The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.

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Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information-
Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head


The sign said ‘Free Range Chickens’. So, I took some.


People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.


Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor


*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes


panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple


ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket


I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”


The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.