Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
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Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I’m listening
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”