The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.