The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.