The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.