Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

sweet dreams💖

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

I cannot call her anything else now