Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

The morning after pill, but for tweets

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.