The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
You Might Also Like
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.