Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?