The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.