The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
when someone compliments me
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Never forget.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”