The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Look, a pure bread cat!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Important reminders
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
