Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid