@fart

the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually “cloaking” they just turned all their lights off

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@TheRealPalMal

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

@hippieswordfish

[in bed]
WIFE: *pulls away from kissing* does he really have to be here
ME: yes i paid good money for this
NBA JAM ANNOUNCER: HES HEATING UP

@ShaneKnowsStuff

Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It’s a mystery

@bridger_w

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

@david8hughes

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

@BarebakAssassin

After you’re done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.

@buhsbaby_baby

Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.

@ceejoyner

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

@hipchkk

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

@julie2288

“Do not iron”

Like that was ever going to happen…