Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
this is the most humiliating day of my life