the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually “cloaking” they just turned all their lights off

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Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.


Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.


[in bed]
WIFE: *pulls away from kissing* does he really have to be here
ME: yes i paid good money for this


Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It’s a mystery


“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead


[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here


After you’re done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.


Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.


Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.


If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.


“Do not iron”

Like that was ever going to happen…