The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
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All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
Just me and my debit card against the world