Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

You were the one.

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!