Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Had to try this trend 😊

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*