The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.