Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…