Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

My recliner and I go way back

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …