Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

How does one answer this?

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

When I sing in the shower the water turns cold

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

At least try to make it slightly believable

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.