The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
monday
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…