The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
consequences, the bane of my existence
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please