The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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HEYYYY MACARENA