Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

Nice try Hitler

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Your honor these allegations are

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house