The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
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Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me: how are you
Friday: good
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.