Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.