Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn