The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
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boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”