Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…

Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka