Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

*puts cutlery down*

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong