The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
You Might Also Like
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
This is hilarious….
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again