The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
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[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much