The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
What personal space?
My dog
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.