Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.