The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…