The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead