The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
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HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.