The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
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Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
The best shot in the history of golf
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working