Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]