the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
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If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.