the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.