the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
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Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?