the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.