Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

dictator is short for richard potato

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.