the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
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Thank you 🥹
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do