Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.