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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal