The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one