Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.