Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

For anyone who needs this today

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.