Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.