The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
![]()
You Might Also Like
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this![]()
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
![]()
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
we’re gonna need another temp
![]()
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*