Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

is this a threat

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?