Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

New skill unlocked

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him