Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.