Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

I love twitter

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

💀😭

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”