The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
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Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
do u think theres a butter planet?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.