Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

Current mood: Potato

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

Cashiers are always checking me out

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

My purse is deeper than some people.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.