Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

Just me and my debit card against the world

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

buys donuts instead

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.