Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.