Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”