The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”