The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
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Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Love this one 😂🧟
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that