The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.