@TheBeerGuy73

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

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@UncleDuke1969

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

@karlainvt

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

@Elifcello

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

@Aikiwomannc

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@amishschool

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

@envydatropic

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

@TribalSpaceCat

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

@deelizabeth_

Biden: So I got a bunch of balloons and when he gets here–
Obama: Joe, please
Biden: –we’re gonna rub them on his hair & see what happens

@AtticusFinch79

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far