The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.