The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
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Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Autocorrect completely socks
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate