Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

Only you can prevent podcasts

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

San Francisco has too many rules

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer