The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
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i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes